As I was preparing to go to Egypt, oh so long ago at the tender age of 20, my family expressed their dissatisfaction with my chosen study abroad site. My grandmother revoked her annual birthday gift to my tuition fund. My father just got quiet when "Egypt" was discussed, as he did around discussions of "Syria" for the past four months. "Why not France?" my mother begged, having made her opposition to my being in the Middle East known from the first time, a year previous, I had told here I was going to major in Middle Eastern Studies. "You're not studying abroad."
"Of course not Mom. NYU doesn't even have a program there."
Right before I left, resigned to reality, my mom imparted one last warning: "Do not get married." I laughed, as my mother knows my thoughts on marriage on any level other than the theoretical are similar to my thoughts on heroin. No thanks. Looks like fun maybe, but not for me. I understand from where her fears came, as I had never expressed any desire to marry at my still-to-young age in America, so what would compel me abroad?
Now I understand. I have met so many American and European women married to Syrian men. At my house, the family proudly speaks of their past tenants, with special admiration for those who have gotten married. Flipping through their goodbye notes and passport photos in the house's log, Um Zahir stops to point out "She's living here in Damascus with her husband... Oh! She got married just last year. We had the wedding right here in the house... Oh! She's married to a Jordanian... Her husband is Lebanese - too bad they got divorced."
Then one of the girls staying in the house got engaged and is getting married on November 9th in Pakistan. Her fiance is half-Syrian, half-Pakistanti.
Then I met an Australian girl (22ish) who just moved here to live with her Syrian husband, who I have been informed leers at other women and told my friend, in Arabic, right in front of his wife "I wish I had met you before I met her," as the Australian does not speak Arabic. Ok, that's just a douchy guy.
Shit, then I was going home from my friend Rasha's house on Eid and I was having trouble finding a microbus. I asked a man also waiting with a woman, who could be foreign or just light if he knew whether any of the other micros went by Bab Toma. No, but I'm trying to get there myself he said. Where are you from? America.
The woman broke in, "I guess we could just talk in English then." She was British, married to the Syrian man. She had met him while studying here for a year. "How are the university classes now?" she asked. "Still tons of Italians?" She assured me her Arabic was very good now. "Marry a Syrian and it happens." We shared a taxi to Bab Toma.
Rachel, who had been in Nicaragua a year and a half and saw the same phenomenon there, told me these women fall in love with the culture, then marry a piece of it. I do love Syria, but I think I'd rather just return with an argileh and an oriental rug.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
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3 comments:
"i want to catch that bouquet like i want chlamydia."
Syrian men will put you inside their eyes:
I do not recommend getting married while one is overseas, I have been to Syria 3 times and the second time I met a guy who I thought really cared about me I returned back home and we kept in touch on and off for more than a year, then I went back to syria after promises of a life together only to be back home broke two months later(i had to defer my uni studies for awhile) and him dumping me on my birthday saying he never loved me and that he was going to use me to get a western citizenship and then marry one of his own later.
I suppose he must have realised he will be wrecking my life and his conscience got the better of him. His family is very strict though so not all families are like that.
I don't want to put every Arab men in one basket but we shouldn't be another statistic also.
There are tactics one should watch out for:
1) the man will say I don't want to live overseas.... for now anyways he will make her realise after a couple of years due to unemployment/lack of opportunities etc...they have to move to the better country temporarily
2) the women will most likely pay for the costs or pay half (note in syrian society the women doesn not pay as the men are seen as galant)
3) Syrian men generally marry younger women (at least 4 years)so its obvious who wears the pants.
If you notice in Syria, you will not find the same proportion of syrian women married to western men (with the exception of christian women)this is because they are still a close society and it is also common to marry between cousins, this should also be an indication.
There are exceptions of course but just remmeber of their 'public face' and 'private face'.
I will not mention the casino visits they go to on weekends to get laid, how they don't practice safe sex, their womanising ways (as in lying to their wives they are staying at their mothers but spending the night clubbing)when you go clubbing how many married couples do you see together? not many., storing mobile numbers of girls under a guy's name, etc
There are so many things to tell, I've also met many western girls being conned and its good to know these things as they are not written on lonely planet
I find your blogs entertaining!! keep it up :-)
This is so sad to hear. It seems that love is not a vital criteria for marriage in Syrian culture... I know a Syrian man who says that he has never been in love... he's married to a Spanish woman and they are living in Spain. He said to me, "Love takes time to develop, no?"
I have no idea whether he tells his wife that he loves her, I guess he would have sometime because they got married.
I guess the lesson here is, you can fall in love with the culture but be very, very careful with matters of the heart. I am sure not all Syrian men are like this, but it seems fairly common...
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